I don't want to cook or write

Depression has as many symptoms and causes as the people who suffer from it. For me, it doesn't present as lying in bed and crying (usually), but more so a sometimes overwhelming combination of apathy and lethargy, a general sense of hopelessness, a nice little bit of paranoia, and a heavy touch of loneliness. One of the downsides is that I almost can not cook at all. I find no enjoyment in cooking, I have no energy or drive for it. I pressure myself to eat so I can keep living and make the hungry feelings go away, but I have no passion for it.

But tonight I had to cook. I hadn't turned on the stove since Sunday, either eating out at night or eating leftover rabbit for lunch. I had thawed a lamb chop and a chicken breast because I needed to cook lunch for tomorrow and dinners for tonight and tomorrow. I had to make food, so I forced myself to do it. I also had some veggies: carrot, wood ear mushrooms, radish, garlic, red bell pepper, spinach, and radicchio.

The lamb was seasoned with salt and pepper, then pan fried in butter and olive oil. The garnish for the lamb was a simple veggie medley. I deglazed the lamb pan with some cognac, added in some butter, and dumped in three diced radishes and some sliced carrot. Once the radish and carrot were mostly done sautéing, I dumped in my chopped radicchio and let it all cook together.

The chicken was seasoned with salt, pepper, and paprika, and also pan fried in butter and olive oil. I deglazed with white wine, added in some butter, and dumped in some slivered garlic and red chili flakes. I late that cook for a couple of minutes, then dumped in diced red bell pepper, waited a few minutes, and added in the wood ear mushrooms. I mixed it all around to get the mushrooms well coated, then let the liquid reduce while I sliced the lamb and chicken. Once the meat cutting was done, I dumped in the spinach with some sliced garlic and let it cook until wilted. While the lamb and chicken were cooking, I filled a pot with water, seasoned it with salt, got it boiling, and dumped in some fettucine. After it finished cooking, I drained it, and set the pasta aside for a few minutes. One the liquid in the chicken pan had reduced a bit, I dumped the noodles in and tossed it with the veggies, getting everything nice and coated with the thing sauce.

Fuck me, it tasted so damn good. I fully expected no enjoyment from dinner tonight, and I disappointed myself. I guess that sometimes, no matter how useless I feel, no matter how little enthusiasm I can put into what I'm doing, it's still got that heart, still got that flavor. Sometimes it still just fucking works, and that's why, sometimes, I just have to push through the haze as best I can.

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